A Married Feminist

Someone very wise had told me long ago, “You can either be a Feminist or a married Indian woman. You can’t be both!” I had laughed it off then as a young and idealistic woman on the verge of fulfilling my feminist vows and feminist values shining bright in my eyes.

But life happened, and after traversing a good deal of the journey as a married Indian woman, I now realise that being a feminist who is married is certainly not easy. To begin with, you are always questioning the order of things. In your relationships, in your own house, within the family and the society. Especially so, when you are an active player in the scheme of things or most of the times, at the receiving end of it as well.

I am the branded feminist in my family – natal and marital – and known (may be notorious!) for always raising my voice against gender inequalities, big and small, both within the family and outside. I protest when women who are in charge of cooking eat the last, I raise my eyes when women eat leftovers, I am visibly annoyed when I am questioned about working late hours, I object when a divorced woman is ridiculed for her fashion, I rage when a rape victim is blamed for her choice of clothes etc. etc.

I am quite vocal when it comes to practising gender-just norms in the family which at times causes unpleasant arguments and even minor squabbles. For example, I am forever questioning the unequal expectations from a wife and mother as compared to a husband and father, all in the name of wifely and maternal love and duties. People give mock warnings not to discuss anything against women or other gender minorities in my presence, lest I start protesting, debating or writing on them!

My husband is flummoxed as to why I always see things from a gender lens. My children have grown up seeing their mother voicing her strong views on this and that particularly on the prevailing gender inequality in homes and families. My constant remonstrations bother me at times. However, at the same time, I am undeniably glad that I have not stopped questioning and that my children find their ever-questioning and raging mother quite natural! Also, I can vouch that my husband and children now have a sensitive and empathetic sense of gender which I see them applying in their own lives.

Although thankfully, none of the members of my immediate families from parents, in-laws, siblings and spouse have been overtly discriminatory or have prevented me from becoming the person I wished to be or lead the life that I want to – it has not always been easy. As a daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother etc. married women are often compelled to follow certain norms and practices to retain peace and amity, even if it’s something they inherently disagree with.

Over the years, I may have followed certain ‘unfeminist’ traditions with which I did not fully concur with. But it has not demanded too much from me, did not cause any apparent harm and importantly, did not go against my core feminist principles. And for the rest, I have put my foot down and negotiated my way. I have always consciously tried to be authentic and not pretend to be something that I am not, in order to please others or to simply conform. So, as a married woman, I have been labelled as – different, non-conformist and unconventional. It did cause some initial discomfort to my parents and parents-in-laws but only for a short while and I am glad that they have happily accepted and loved me as I am.

The worst conflict however is when you have all the insights and yet end up conforming to expectations much against your wishes. When it’s either too challenging to overcome certain situations or when submission is easier than fighting against it. It’s hard to accept then that you are part of an institution based on a patriarchal edifice where women are compelled to bear the brunt of multiple inequalities.

From a feminist point of view, marriage historically has been an exploitative, yet necessary social order where women ended up becoming the husband’s property. Where the wife produced heirs and assumed nurturing duties and the husband provided for the wife and the family. Marriage traditionally (and even now) promoted the dowry system, the suppression of women in domestic chores and childcare at the cost of their identity and individuality.

Patriarchy has always glorified the role of the wife and the mother and the accompanying duties in the name of love, nurturing and sacrifice. Certainly, a woman who loves her family would not consider the chores as endless labour, but as an expression of love and care. But is it really so?

The unending domestic chores and keeping the house in order for example is a burden that married women (and all other women too) have been conditioned to bear. Simone De Beauvoir writes in her pathbreaking book, The Second Sex: “Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition: the clean becomes soiled, the soiled is made clean, over and over, day after day. The housewife wears herself out marking time: she makes nothing, simply perpetuates the present … Eating, sleeping, cleaning – the years no longer rise up towards heaven, they lie spread out ahead, gray and identical. The battle against dust and dirt is never won.”

Few question the unending labour, the inequal man-women relationship in a marriage. From changing surnames after marriage, following different morals and expectations, moving into their marital/husband’s house, bearing the burden of cooking and cleaning or giving up their profession to become homemakers – it is an institution that reeks of discrimination and subjugation.

Of course, marriage has evolved over the years and women are now less dependent on the financial and social security of a marriage. And one may argue that some women ‘choose’ to follow the laid out practices for their own ‘happiness’ in a marriage. This argument about choice and feminism is unending. And although feminism allows various choices without sounding judgmental, let’s not forget that choices are deeply influenced by our conditioning, socialisation and normalisation of patriarchy.

As women, we are conditioned by the laid out gender norms and expectations. So, I try and be the ‘good’ wife and mother by meeting the obligated requirements of housekeeping and nurturing duties though it is not something that is demanded of me. But this is a social conditioning that I have not been able to shake off. Also, While I have had the right and freedom to make my own choices and decisions, I am unable to exercise it due to limiting circumstances or due to lack of an enabling environment.

Studies on feminist heterosexual marriages have shown a difference between ideology and practice of equality within heterosexual marriage of feminists where the practice of marital equality does not automatically flow from a stated feminist ideology of equality. Believing in equality did not automatically negate the gendered tendencies and roles traditional to marriage; being feminists didn’t automatically make these couples’ marriages equal, because they experienced problems shaking off the gendered conditioning they had grown up with.

I have come across only a few couples with shades of feminist marriages, where both partners have retained their individualities, openly question about gender discrimination, do not adhere to gender norms, respect each other’s identities, have the voice and agency to freely express themselves and allow each other to grow and flourish their own way. Also, a feminist marriage may not necessarily be between a man and a woman or limited to hetero-normative boundaries and/or standards.

A true feminist marriage freed from all patriarchal beliefs is extremely difficult to achieve. And we have a long way to go. But till then, we should not at least stop questioning the gender roles entrenched in marriage and start breaking free from some of them. That’s what I do as a married feminist. My feminist identity and my marriage coexist. Sometimes wonderfully and sometimes not.