A Parent’s Dilemma In Letting Go

How do you cope with decisions contrary to your first instinct, especially concerning your child?

My wife and I received an email from our daughter’s school that shared details about an adventure trip for students of Class VI. Situated on a fruit orchard at the height of 5000 ft, the Ashram – perched on a hill overlooking a meadow, river, and a tiny hamlet – offered a chance to soak in the beauty of nature, breathe pure air, and bond with their classmates.

It seemed like a terrific opportunity.

Great, But …

 Gargi and I were unsure how Sara – our only child – would cope for five days. There would be other children also, but it would mean doing everything on her own – not something she’s used to until now.

“Papa, I want to go; please don’t say no,” Sara insisted.

“But Sara, how will you cope, and that too for a full five days?”  You haven’t spent a day without family support; you are used to most things done for you by people around you,” I replied.

“I will, Papa. Don’t worry. Please let me go.” 

The First Decision

Gargi and I discussed this a few minutes later when Sara had left the room.

“What do you think?” asked Gargi.

“No way! Five days is far too long. It’s more than 200 miles away. God forbid if there’s any trouble, it will take around seven and a half hours to reach,” I responded before heading for a shower.

When I emerged after a bath, I heard Gargi speaking to the mother of Sara’s school friend. And then another.

While one was keen to let her child go, the other was sure that couldn’t happen.

Gargi shared the details of what she heard over breakfast. She was now more open to sending Sara. But she left the final decision to me.

The mail from the school mentioned that there were limited seats to be filled on a “first come, first serve” basis, and those parents interested in enrolling their child for the trip had to fill out a consent form and deposit it along with the cheque by April 13, 2023.

A Change of Mind

For the next week, we did not discuss this topic. On April 11, Sara mentioned to her mother that most of her friends had already deposited the needful with the school administration. Gargi called me at work to share this and asked what I had decided.

“Let’s talk when I am home,” I said.

Sara and I had a heart-to-heart conversation that night. I told her the concerns her mother and I had, and we felt she was not ready for it. Not yet.

Due to Sara’s insistence, I gave in. But I know how tough it was for me to let go.

For a father who, a decade ago, imagined waiting in the car while her daughter attended school – just in case she hurt herself or someone pushed her – letting her attend this trip is a HUGE step forward.

I know it sounds extreme, but that’s how I was not too long ago.

Tough to believe? Read this.

Early the next morning, I filled out the form and cheque and handed them to Sara, who seemed excited.

“Thank you, Papa,” she said, giving me a warm hug.

The Heartbreak Moment

Later that afternoon, Sara called me when she reached home. “Papa, I will not be able to go. You were very late in deciding. The school office informed me that all seats are already filled.” And then she began to howl uncontrollably.

She repeated the same with her mother a few minutes later. That upset Gargi, who called me to say I should have decided earlier.

Now, it was all on me.

I felt miserable. I called Sara back and promised to take her anywhere she chose during her summer vacation.

“I wanted to go with my friends, Papa,” she said before tears emerged again, abruptly ending our conversation.

A Second Chance

A week later, we received an email that the school had decided to add another batch of students. The second batch would leave the same day the first batch returns. Gargi and I were delighted. And I was extremely grateful for getting a second chance.

Now that Sara’s seat in the group was secure, the issue that remained was how she would cope.

Being the only child and because of the love and pampering she receives from one and all – including our extended family and circle of friends – Sara has been conditioned in a certain way. If it were a matter of a day or two, it might still be okay.

How will she manage for almost a week by herself remained a huge cause of concern for us.

We knew her excitement to play with friends would lead her to skip meals or eat very little. That’s how she is at home. Since we are around, we ensure she eats. Left to herself, she may not.

The school teachers would be there, but it is not easy for 3-4 teachers to pay individual attention to a group of 40 students.

“She will learn; stop worrying,” Gargi said. There were two weeks left then for the school trip.

On the morning of her journey, when the train left the New Delhi Railway Station for Kathgodam, Gargi’s eyes were moist. I tried to be brave, but it was just an act. Neither of us spoke much on our way back home.

 

Your Takeaway

Thank God I got a second chance.

What if the school had not introduced a second batch?

Sara would have been heartbroken to miss her first trip with school friends. No matter how much Gargi or I would have tried to compensate, nothing would have been good enough.

A day after Sara left for her school trip while driving to the office, it struck me that I may not be alone. Many parents may think like me. Why not share my experience so that those who do benefit from this perspective?

If you, as a parent, are inclined to think and act as I did initially, know this:

No matter how strongly you feel your children may struggle to cope, if they are passionate about doing something, let them. They will learn. And if they can’t cope, they will either adapt better the next time or not go.

But let the decision be theirs.