How Are You, Really?

Today is the 3rd day since Mohanty Babu passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest. A midlevel executive in a government department, he was to retire in May. These days when we see young people in their thirties, fit and fine with no medical history to worry about dropping dead without notice; the death of an almost senior citizen should not raise any eyebrow.

It was just one of those events which happened every day.

It was quite a shock for his wife as she had never spotted any signs of illness or stress which could be possibly corroding him from within; ditto his colleagues and relatives. His family stand devastated and distraught.

More information emerged about him after the usual chaos and hurly-burly of cremation got over.

Mohanty Babu married late because he had to settle his brothers and sisters. Now all of them are settled outside the state, he continued to be the sole bridge of his joint family taking the load of every small and big social and financial issue. He was the local face of his big joint family. He has not been able to build a house for himself and his daughter has just passed +2. His close relatives were naturally concerned. It was obvious that he must have been under a lot of stress and was possibly staring worryingly at the post-retirement life and the liabilities he was saddled with. His calm demeanour and routine lifestyle have successfully camouflaged the fire inside.

Are we going through similar worries that are choking us? Have we shared it with anyone close?

Was he alone or many are going through the same phase? Have we tried to spot them and tried to know?

When someone says “Hi, how are you?”, it is typically a friendly greeting and a way for the person to show that they are interested in your well-being. It is a common greeting in English, but it can be a great way to start a conversation. It shows that you are interested in the other person and that you care about how they are doing. It’s a way of asking someone how they are doing, both physically and emotionally. It can be used in both formal and informal settings, but it’s more common in informal settings.

There are many different ways to respond to “How are you?”. Some common responses include “I’m fine, thank you.”, “I’m doing well.”, “I’m good.”, “I’m not too bad.”.

The way we are expected to respond will depend on how we are actually doing and how well we know the person we are talking to.

If you are close friends with someone, you might be more likely to share more personal information about how you are doing. If you are talking to someone you don’t know very well, you might be more likely to give a more general response.

A person can ask “Hi, how are you?” as a form of greeting while not being interested in the answer. In some cases, this could be due to habit, social convention, or a lack of genuine interest. In these situations, it’s common for people to provide a standard response, even if it is not an accurate reflection of their true feelings.

Let’s try to recollect when was the last time we responded by saying “I’m hanging in there.”, “I could be better.” Or “I’m terrible.”? Perhaps never.

In the era of social media, we have become accustomed to raving and ranting about the state and projecting a filtered successful and happy picture of ourselves. In this pervasive culture have we turned secretive ourselves or feel that our worries are not anyone’s concern? Or, we have turned passive to others’ worries in the name of not being too inquisitive or respectful of their wishes and privacy?

This shows how as individuals we have learnt not to share our worries with others and collectively as a community, we have stopped paying attention to other’s worries.

Men are the biggest victims of this. From their childhood days are taught to be tough. They are socially conditioned not to complain about their pain both physical and emotional, people in their lives, their personal and professional situations and if they do, they are seen as weak, a loser, feminine and a whiner. When he grows up, he learns to accept the situation without complaint and fight it out and to protect the ones he is responsible for like his immediate family by not sharing the details of his problems. He does not want them to get affected by his worries. Somewhere there is that confidence that he can solve it with time, alone.

He unknowingly subscribes to the saying – Mard ko kabhi dard nahin hota (real man does feel the pain). In the bargain, he lives like a living pressure cooker ready to explode anytime.

The solution lies not in the final resolution of what is causing his worries but in learning to destress himself by sharing his worries with a close confidant or sharing them with the people he wants to protect from these worries.

What are we doing to inquire about others’ worries with the tone and intention to offer a solution or do our bit to alleviate his fears?

The answer to that lies in establishing a close relationship with your near ones where you can spot is worries from a distance and ask, “How are you, really?”

Which in no uncertain terms means “Cut the crap! And tell me what’s wrong?”, “Dude, you done being so formal? Now tell me what’s going on.”, “I know you lied that you’re fine. I care for you, tell me what’s bothering you.”, “Oh you depressed? You look pretty happy in your pictures. Now please clear the confusion & tell me how you are.”.

Kaifi Azmi captured the same emotions when he wrote his famous song – Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho. Kya gham hai jisko chhupa rahe ho.

Do we have such a friend in our life who can see the pain behind our smiles and ask us “How are you, really”, and do we have the ability and attitude to say “How are you, really” to a friend who possibly is grappling with pain behind his projected happy façade?

Our empathy and sincerity in participating in somebody’s problems will develop a culture that will save dozens of lives around us, including our own.