Sorry, The ‘Superwoman’ Crown Is Not For Me!

This International Women’s Day, I am feeling lighter, braver and freer. And am I glad!

I have finally laid down the suffocating mantle and heavy crown of the so-called Superwoman! I am also feeling relieved, relaxed, and human. I am more accepting of my frailties, fallibilities and imperfections.

I no longer aspire for the crown of ‘Superwoman’ or the ‘Perfect Woman.’ Or Perfect Spouse, Mother, Daughter-in-law, for that matter. I am a woman with my own and unique perfections and imperfections, triumphs and failures, struggles and accomplishments. I have now realised that the ‘Superwoman’ title is not really an accolade or a reward, rather it’s myth, a never-ending trap that we women often fall into like Alice into the rabbit hole. But sadly, it’s a crown we women are conditioned to aspire for, sometimes obligated to and compelled to wear it in our quest to ‘Have it All.’

Wait, there are other crowns too – ‘Super Moms’, ‘Super Wife’ etc. etc.

Why do we women feel that we have to give it all to have it all? Our family has to be perfect and also our house, we have to raise our children perfectly and also fulfil all our social commitments, we have to have a career and excel at it, we have to stay fit and attractive… And there is always the pressure, guilt either piled on us externally or brewed internally when we fail to achieve all these.

We feel obligated to constantly carry this burden – both expected from us and real — to always care for the needs of others ahead of our own, to put ourselves in situations and places mainly to gain approval of others and to multitask till we are unable to bear it. It is humanely impossible to carry out everything, and much less do it perfectly. Even with the most careful planning and time budgeting, a woman can only fit so much into a 24-hour day.

We do some things very well, some things moderately well, and others perhaps, poorly. Sometimes we soar and sometimes we fly. We also crash at times and float at times. And it’s all okay. The bottom line is to not let ourselves be forced by society, gender norms and patriarchy to conform or do something we don’t want just for the sake of gaining approval. And please do not beret, undervalue or kill yourself for that missed appointment, PTM at your child’s school or the marriage of your husband’s niece.

We woman always have this need to do the best and to be always available. Honestly, what would happen if we stepped back sometimes, lower our guards and opt for solutions which are in our interest? Having a cook instead of cooking all meals, opting for day-care for young children, taking a break with our friends or perhaps not going for the stressful Diwali house cleaning for a change.

Women, leave guilt behind.

If we do something for our well-being, happiness and aspiration and which is frowned upon by our extended family and the society, turn a blind ear to it.

Besides of course the gender expectations, it’s the popular culture, particularly the advertising world which is to be blamed for the perpetual glorification of the Superwoman — the perfect mother, wife, daughter who is caring, loving and accomplished in all respects. She is the best cook and home maker and also an equally competent working woman. She is physically attractive, mentally strong and spiritually contented. She is able to meet challenges with equanimity and has a solution for all problems. She is the perfect hostess at parties and looks like a diva.

She is also the epitome of power and efficiency in boardrooms after having broken glass ceilings. She can be gentle and compassionate when she wants to and aggressive and a go-getter when the situation demands. In short, the exceptional woman who has accomplished the feat of successfully raising her family and her career, relentlessly ticking one item after another in her to-do list.

Why do we need to always present the image of happy, contented, accomplished, woman? And why do women keep proving themselves throughout their lives? Women are often pressurised as they are blamed for not making enough effort or not having enough drive to break their ‘self-imposed barriers.’ So, women tend to be self-critical, even struggling hard to match up with the men.

In all this, we fail to acknowledge the critical role played by age-old patriarchy and the structural inequalities and believe that anything and everything can be overcome with drive and a can-do attitude of individual women. This makes it even harder for women to secure equal opportunities.

What is even more annoying and disturbing is while men happily enjoy and relax in their space being just ‘men’, women are goaded to become ‘Superwomen’ to be called successful in life. Men are okay going about their life as usual while women are pressured to excel in everything. No one ever asks or expects a man to be a Superman — successful in his career and an equally good spouse, father and son. Men hardly realise how hard a woman works to have everything that they take for granted like a job promotion or a higher salary.

Sometimes, the freedom of choice adds to the rising expectations placed upon women. A woman has to look after herself, her home, family and her career with perfection and never lose her balance. While on one hand women are choosing their education, career and partners today, they are also being conditioned into believing that there are these other set of expectations which they have to be equally successful at. No wonder, many of them are confused, conflicted and harassed trying to be the woman who can do it all.

It’s time we know about the ‘Superwoman Syndrome’ which describes a woman who tries to do it all in life but discovers that you can only accomplish so much. It is a term first used in 1984 by author Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz in the book with the same title. It occurs when a woman neglects herself because she is seeking to “do it all” to perfection and stretching herself too thin. So unlike the common perception that it is a badge of approval, the term Superwoman is also used negatively to define the unrealistic expectations of the modern-day woman.

The idea that fulfilling all your roles and responsibilities to perfection will lead to a lasting happiness and balance is not realistic. Nor should it be. Instead of feeling accomplished, women find themselves feeling continuously stressed, anxious and fatigued. The mounting physical and mental stress leads to a multitude of serious health issues, frustrations and personal regrets.

Women, too, need to stop making life arduous for themselves. Let’s understand that homemaking, child rearing and career need not be at the cost of each other. And let not these important aspects of our lives be trophies to be glossed over. Let’s be happy for those who achieve it, but let’s not rebuke those who are unable to with their constraints. We should accept all women as they are and respect the choices they make. There is no real template or mantra that women need to follow to assess themselves worthy of being called a Superwoman. My appreciation for all those women who are no longer allowing themselves to be burdened by what the world expects from us.

Superwoman is a great title and compliment only when we are genuinely appreciated for who we are with our unique gifts and imperfections. But not when it is used to compel or place unrealistic and unfair expectations on women to be the best no matter what.

So, all you Superwomen — untie your cape and take off the costume and the crown. Let Superwoman be the fictional character it is. We are real women!