The Double-Edged Sword Of Sexism & Age Shaming

Age is just a number – Is it true for women?

Aging like fine wine – Do women have the freedom to experience this?

Never ask a woman her age – Why not?

There are axioms depicting every situation and thought. But the axioms on aging certainly do not hold true for women who are aging. For it’s that time in a woman’s life when sexism crosses path with ageism.

When 49-year-old Bollywood actor Aishwarya Rai recently walked the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival, besides garnering appreciation and admiration from some, she was disparaged and trolled by many others for appearing ‘old, fat and pregnant.’ “Yeh toh buddhi ho gayi, yaar aab inko Bollywood maa ka role hi milega,” was one ridiculous comment from an Instagram user among others. On the other hand, there were hardly any reactions or murmurs on the looks of or clothes worn by other much older men attending the same event, like the 70-plus director Sekhar Kapoor or Nawazuddin Siddiqui (almost the same age as Aishwarya).

Similar barbs are often shot at other actresses and those in showbiz who are purportedly down the hill but still dress up in sassy and sexy attires like model Malaika Arora. Or when women like her date or marry younger men. But’s there’s hardly a buzz when 55-year-old Salman Khan is forever attired in distressed jeans and tees or when he romances actresses in their 20’s. Or for that matter, Bollywood’s evergreen hero Akshay Kumar romancing actresses half his age. And when women younger than him were made to play the role of his mother! Reality check: Actress Shefali Shah played Akshay Kumar’s mother in the movie Waqt: The Race Against Time in 2005 when she was 32 and Akshay Kumar was 37.

Age-shaming female actors is all-pervasive in the showbiz and ever so in Bollywood where women performers are expected to be ageless, glamorous and flawless forever. And if ever they start looking their age, they are ruthlessly criticised and trolled. In fact, they are slammed either way – for no longer looking young or trying to look young.

It’s not so different in the common world either. Age-shaming women, like body-shaming or gendered ageism is another offshoot of patriarchy where women’s worth is hinged delicately on set standards of physical beauty and vitality. And when added with doses of sexism, it creates multiple invisible barriers for middle-aged and older women.

Age-shaming women has become such a natural reaction among people that they do it unquestioningly. We don’t hesitate to casually remark-  “kitni budhi lag rahi hai,” kitni moti ho gayi he,” “kaise kapde pahne he, dekho,” – to even 40-year-olds who are apparently on their way down the hill.

It’s not irony but hypocrisy when we want our women to always look ageless, slim, beautiful and stylish when we in fact, immediately tear down any middle-aged woman dressing up or sporting a hip and glamorous look for her supposedly inappropriate appearance. For example, while some go gaga over a 50-year-old sexy Jennifer Lopez flaunting her flat abs others slander her for trying hard to be sexy at 50.

We all know how middle-aged women are derided with ‘Behenji’ and ‘Auntyji’ comments not as a mark of respect but for putting them down for their age. The world suddenly turns cruel once women start ‘looking’ their age. Even those who do not look the age but have reached the age are at the receiving age of snarky comments. No wonder, most anti-aging products are endorsed and marketed for women cashing on this notion and insecurities of women caused by societal expectations and the pressure to look young.

Everyone ages and outwardly physical changes are evident with every passing year – weight gain, wrinkles, saggy skin, hair loss, greying of hair etc. Ageing and signs of ageing are a natural process but the difference lies in the societal perceptions and the inherent sexism. And while both men and women are victims of ageism, it’s women who bear the double brunt of casual sexism and ageism. Unfortunately, most of us are guilty of perpetrating this unconscious bias.

Besides, it seems as if there are only set roles and images defined for aged women – mother, aunt, elder sister, teacher, professor, doctor, spinster, widow. And even if you are someone else, you are still expected to behave in a certain way, be more matured, gracious and serious. Likewise, we don’t like middle-aged or older women doing young people things. Or being sassy, spirited or badass.

Everything seems to be gauged and judged from a ‘woman-your-age’ parameter. There are demarcated ideas about what a woman who is pushing 40 or 50  should and shouldn’t be doing with her time, energy, relationships and resources. An ‘aged’ bride or a bride older than the groom is definitely not welcoming. And when women do get married in their 50s and 60s, they are judged yet again.

While the receding hairline, grey hair, and heavy girth of men are overlooked, the laugh lines, crows’ feet, double chin and the not so flat belly of middle-aged women are immediately the cynosure of all attention. How aptly Jane Fonda expressed when she said, “Women are not forgiven for aging. Robert Redford’s lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.”

Just because physical appearance is considered to matter more for women, age seems to take away more from women’s physical appearance for women than men. It is not just that they are older, it is also as if they have been diminished by their bodily changes with time. Gendered ageism starts affecting women in their 40s and continues to do so. Somehow, as soon as women show any visible signs of ageing, they are viewed as not only less attractive, but less competent too.

Even though gendered ageism is more prevalent in certain industries like fashion, entertainment and less in healthcare, education, creative art etc, it’s not necessarily confined to these sectors or about women in just glamorous or public-facing jobs.

So it’s not just about looks alone but also about the repercussions and perceptions it creates in their lives. Overall, older women are less represented in the workforce, as they are unlikely to be hired as compared to older men. They bear the brunt of misperceptions about their competence, commitment and productivity in the workplace as compared to their younger colleagues. Besides being overlooked for job interviews, women around 50 are usually not considered to be prospective candidates for promotions or high-level training unless they are already in senior positions. There is also a bias that middle-aged women have less interest, mental capacity or the energy to work in a competitive corporate world and are sometimes ignored and sidelined.

According to the World Economic Forum report on the Gender Pay Gap 2021, LinkedIn data revealed a marked decline in women’s hiring into leadership roles, creating a reversal of one to two years of progress across multiple industries.

But why are people and society so obsessed with a woman’s age or disregard older women? Is it largely because of the popular narrative of a woman’s worth being measured by her looks and the perception that age is accompanied by a loss of physical beauty, power and relevance? Unfortunately, women themselves are conditioned to internalise this notion and tend to conform to it. At times, it is women who put the pressure on themselves.

I wish there were more open and healthy discussions around mental and physical health, interests, wisdom and desires of middle-aged women who not just go through hormonal havoc, menopause and depression but have also a wealth of experience to share.

Hearteningly, however, there has always been a minuscule band of women who have truly enjoyed, celebrated and grown wiser with each passing year. Thankfully, this breed of women is now increasing. As women age, it brings along certain freedom and choice which was either denied or was not possible during their younger years. Freed of most domestic compulsions, the pressures of family and societal expectations and the necessity to be always nice and accommodating – there`s a whole world opening up for them now. It is the time when women become less pleasing and agreeable and finally learn to speak their heart and mind. They start stepping out with a newfound freedom, boldness courage to explore limitless possibilities – with or without grey hair.

I absolutely love it when I see elderly women having a meal, partying vacationing, shopping or taking up new hobbies, going on solo trips or finally fulfilling their dreams no matter how small. It’s high time that we stop telling older women what they can do and what they can’t. How they can look and how they can’t. Let them choose and decide.

And as said by a Hollywood actress, “It’s not like 50 is the new 30. It’s like 50 is the new chapter.” So, let’s at least stop judging older women on their looks and lives and celebrate them for who they are. And while we would want to have more such role models, for the time being, we do have Asha Bhosle, Shobha De, Sudha Murthy, Kiran Majumdar Shaw, Neena Gupta, Madhuri Dixit, Arundhati Roy, Oprah Winfrey, Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts…and they are enough!