Tackling Tough Conversations: Lessons Learnt From A Humongous Challenge

Do you procrastinate tough conversations?

You’re an efficient team lead; you know your and your team’s strengths and weaknesses well and allocate jobs based on individual skill and competence. You are popular with your team and other teams too. But there’s one thing you can’t handle or don’t wish to – tough conversations.

I have seen many fit this category. So may you.  Praising someone is easy. Pulling up for wrongdoing, negligent action, or improper conduct is not.  How do you tell your team members that if they don’t amend, course correct, or reform, they stand to lose their position in your team?  How do you tell a team leader or a senior colleague to watch how they speak and take care not to hurt the sentiments of others?

Some are not uncomfortable indulging in tough conversations but struggle to do it appropriately.

What’s important is to have a difficult conversation in a way that:

• the message is clear, and it is well received
• it is civil and respectful and gives adequate opportunity to the other party to be heard
• the other party acknowledges the problem and assures corrective action or promises not to repeat it

You may have noticed some managers do it easily with many team members but struggle with a few. So, they either don’t attempt these conversations with these select few, or it is handled badly.

Any Easy Way to Have Difficult Conversations?

That sounds like an oxymoron. There’s no easy way.

But I will tell you the best way. Do it. Don’t defer or put it off. You will never address the problem that way. Given a choice, many won’t want to do it. But that’s just letting the problem fester. As a professional, you’ve got to solve the problem. Get it out of the way. So that there is one less thing to worry about.

An Experience Like No Other

Over the last two decades as a manager, team lead, and department head, I have had to do these conversations hundreds of times. But there was one incredibly tough conversation because the continuity of a full team depended on it. You’ve got to read this, even if you are a PRO at handling difficult conversations.

Many years ago, I received an unusual phone call. At the other end of the phone was a group of team members I had hired in one of our group brands. They were using the hands-free feature to speak on the same line. The complete team had decided to resign and felt they should share it with me before doing so. I wasn’t their team leader. I had been closely involved with them at the time when the brand launched. I was startled.

I had never dealt with, heard of, or even read about such a scenario. I requested them to hold on till I flew to meet them 10 days later. I was heading to spend a week with my parents then. I assured them I would be there with them a day or two after returning from leave. They agreed to wait. When I resumed work, I met my boss and apprised him of the humongous challenge ahead. He asked me if I wanted him to intervene. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him it would help if a senior colleague I trust and respect could accompany me. He agreed. Of all those I know, Vinay Tewari never shied away from tough conversations. He was our brand’s go-to man for such conversations. He would plain speak without beating around the bush.

Vinay & I left as a team. I was relieved I could use his expertise here. When we met the team, they shared a very long list of incidents where they felt disregarded and disrespected by the senior-most leader in their division. Things had reached a stage where they found it impossible to continue. Their mind was already made up. When we met their senior leader, he launched a tirade against this team. They are lazy and incompetent, he felt.  He was unwilling to budge and squarely blamed the team for the stalemate.

Vinay took the bull by its horns. He decided to show the mirror without mincing any words. Usually, he’s very effective. Not this time, though. This provoked the senior leader, and the scene became even more unpleasant. I was sitting with Vinayin the senior leader’s cabin on the other side of the table from where the leader was seated.

I decided to take strike. I nudged Vinay to take a quick single. He did and reached the non-striker’s end. I approached the same conversation in my own way. First, I had to cool down the room. For the next half hour, I did not rotate the strike. Vinay understood why.

The extreme positions taken by both parties had made their differences irreconcilable. What was needed was for both sides to be flexible, accept there was a problem, and look for solutions. The day after, the leader agreed to meet the full team and hear their grievances. And lo and behold, he acknowledged and apologised to them for the past incidents. He even praised them for their good work and assured them that things would improve. The team could not believe their eyes. They had not even dreamt of it. This was outside their realm of possibility – what is jokingly referred to as “out of syllabus.” Many were emotional, some teary-eyed.

No one resigned

The impossible had happened. If you didn’t believe in a higher force, being there would have done it for you. When I replay the same incident now, there are a few things that stand out:

1. Acknowledging mistakes and saying sorry is not a sign of weakness. It takes a lot of strength to do so.
2. There’s great power in an apology. It can be a game-changer.
3. Your ego can be your greatest weakness. As long as it is latent, it is okay. Do not let it manifest.
4. While handling a crisis, you lean on each other’s strengths as a team. Not all conditions will suit you. Rotating the strike after reading the pitch, the weather, and the bowler can help win the match, even when it seems incredible.

What You Must Know Before Talking Tough

Douglas Stone, the author of Difficult Conversations, nails how to do it. Here are nine things (extracted from his book) you should keep in mind before getting into a tough conversation:

1. You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened.
2. The single most important thing you can do is to shift your internal stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand.” Everything else follows from that. . . .”
3. People almost never change without first feeling understood.
4. Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.
5. Often we go through an entire conversation – or indeed an entire relationship – without ever realizing that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.
6. The urge to blame is based . . . on the fear of being blamed.
7. Explicit disagreement is better than an implicit misunderstanding.
8. Working to keep negative information out during a difficult conversation is like trying to swim without getting wet.
9. Simply by changing your own behaviour, you gain at least some influence over the problem.

Before I sign off, here’s a confession. If I had my way, I would rather never indulge in tough conversations. That’s inherently how I am. I frequently avoided such talk when I began as a team lead. But over time, I figured you’ve to do what you’ve to do.

So, just do it!