While having dinner at a family wedding recently, I was inadvertently privy to a conversation between my aunt-in-law and a niece, in the table next to me. The aunt-in-law was distraught about her son’s failing marriage attributing it to who else, but her estranged daughter-in-law. The snippets of conversation termed the daughter-in-law as ‘dominant, egoist, too smart and modern and with little concern for family values.” When my niece chipped in to say that she found the couple a complete mismatch from the beginning and one can’t really blame anyone, the aunt ranted, “what mismatch?! In a marriage, you are supposed to adjust, compromise, let go and give in. What do today’s girls know about all these? They just want to have their way. We had sacrificed so much to keep our marriage going.”
I grimaced, a tad annoyed at her outburst, sighing at the same time that it’s not just she alone. Many people today adhere to her views, attributing the changing nature of marriages and rising divorce cases to women, apparently because they don’t adjust the way they used to due to their financial independence, freedom and empowerment. The common refrain is – nowadays, women don’t want to adjust and live in joint families; They don’t want to do household chores or look after the house; They don’t want to have children early in their marriage; They have zero tolerance to changing situations; They don’t’ want to sacrifice their happiness, etc.
Although India has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, the situation is changing. A 2019 UN Women’s report noted that the number of divorced people has doubled in the last 20 years in India. What began as a largely urban middle-class trend couple of decades ago is now a growing phenomenon across India. And a common perception is that most of this is caused by women who either file for divorce themselves, or ‘create’ situations which lead to divorce.
Is the onus of ‘saving’ or continuing a marriage rests only on the woman or the wife? And why are only women accused of prioritising their happiness and rights over their duties and responsibilities? After all, both the husband and wife have an equal stake at the marriage.
Truth be said, the very nature of marriage in India is still deeply patriarchal driven by conventional socio-cultural norms and also tend to be determined by families rather than the individuals who enter into it. Marriage is near-universal in the Country with only a minority remaining unmarried. Even today, women rarely have the freedom to choose their partner in large parts of India.
Consider a typical Indian marriage. Women are expected to change their homes, surnames, attires, behaviours, personalities, habits, hobbies, friends and what not to enter into a marriage, keep the marriage intact and everyone happy. They are expected to cook, clean, wash, bear children a few months/years after the marriage. And in some families, bear physical, mental and emotional abuse, forced to leave their jobs and prevented from stepping outside. Women are blamed for not bearing sons or bearing too many daughters…
Of course, not all marriages are like this. Or alike. But we all agree that they are still rooted in patriarchal norms and also do not depend only on the two people in the relationship. Immediate and extended families, societal pressure, social norms have a deep impact as well.
Moreover, no one talks about the physical, emotional and mental burden on women in a marriage. Not to mention the abuse. According to National Family Health Survey (NFHS)-5, 32% of ever-married women aged 18-49 have experienced physical violence (28%), followed by emotional violence (14%) and sexual violence (6%). Also, one-fourth of them who had experienced spousal physical or sexual violence reported having physical injuries, including 7% who had had eye injuries, sprains, dislocations or burns, and 6% who have had deep wounds, broken bones, broken teeth, or other serious injury. And yet, its women who are accused of a multitude of wrongdoings for stepping out of marriages.
Women were traditionally and socially conditioned to accept marriage the way it is and a separation through divorce was both unwelcome and unthinkable. They compromised for years and did not even the freedom to make choices for themselves. They tried to please everyone, trying hard to make the marriage work. That marriages required ‘adjustments’, ‘compromises’ and ‘sacrifices’ were mostly directed towards women and reinforced by families at home. Passage of time and children were the other two factors which were supposed to provide effective balms for bruised marriages.
While women may have once felt that they had no choice but to tolerate unacceptable behaviour because of their reliance on their husbands, it is no longer the case in many instances today. They are no longer willing to put up with being disrespected, mistreated, abused, as they are now in a situation where they’re better able to earn their own money and manage their lives.
While India is considered to have the lowest divorce rate globally, it has been recently witnessing a steady rise in divorce cases. Moreover, while earlier it used to be men who initiated most divorces in India (in contrast to other countries where women initiate most divorces), more women are now filing for separation from their spouses. But does this mean that women are the ‘cause’ behind increasing divorces. Preposterous to reason such!
Indian women have advanced financially, socially in the past few decades and certainly do not want to remain in claustrophobic, unsatisfying and dead marriages. Education has played a role in increasing their agency and decision-making. A National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) survey on abusive marriages revealed that women from Scheduled Castes between the ages of 15-24 with no formal schooling married to men with no formal schooling living in nuclear families were the most abused, physically and psychologically.
Divorce and separation rates also vary across states and regions depending on the socio-economic situations. A study by economist Suraj Jacob and anthropologist Sreeparna Chattopadhyay on data from the Indian Census showed that divorce rates in the north-eastern states – where tribal laws allow for informal relations and women sometimes enjoy a relatively higher status because of a matrilineal system – are relatively higher than elsewhere in India. Northern states like Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Haryana and Rajasthan which are known to be patriarchal, have much lower divorce and separation rates. The Study also revealed that more women are divorced and separated than men.
Although women have the right to divorce, remarriage remains tough because of prejudices and social stigma. Studies also show that men have better chances for remarriage than women. As per NFHS-5, a higher share of divorced/separated Indian women endured emotional, physical and sexual harassment from their most recent husband than currently married women. They also experienced restrictions on their mobility and had a limited say in their spending decisions during their marriage compared to currently married women.
But clearly, modern marriages are no longer being dictated by traditional mores and it’s both men and women who are deciding to opt out of unhappy and unsatisfactory marriages. And thankfully, the middle-class morality is gradually changing and more accepting of divorces.
Armed with education, knowledge and resources, women not only have a means to be economically independent, but also have a better understanding of freedom, respect, space and equality in a marriage. Leaving a marriage is now an option and reality, especially when it’s an unhappy, dysfunctional and violent marriage. Women aspire to pursue their career, financial independence, and for a partner who is a better match for them. Or they choose not to marry even and lead their lives on their own terms.
