Why Have We Stopped Talking To Each Other?

It was nearing midnight the other day and I was about to hit the bed after winding up some last-minute work commitments when my phone buzzed. I became immediately anxious seeing the late-night call from one of my closest friends. I picked up asking her if everything was alright. She sighed saying, “Ya, all okay but I needed to talk.” I replied, “Now? Can we do it tomorrow morning if it’s not something urgent?” She cut me short saying, “I know it’s late but let’s talk for 15 minutes at least. I haven’t spoken to any of my close people for weeks and I was feeling alone and marooned, so I thought of calling you.”

I was swept by a multitude of emotions – guilt, tenderness and protectiveness – for my dear friend. I said immediately, “Of course, I wasn’t asleep anyway.” Our conversation lasted for more than 45 minutes and when both of us finally went to sleep that night it was with a light and contented heart. We promised to catch up at least once a fortnight.

Our communication these days with family, friends, and colleagues is often interspersed with phrases of – Jaldi bolo; Tell me in a minute please; Pl. text, can’t talk; Can we talk later, I am busy; Sorry, can’t meet today, in an urgent meeting; Sorry, can’t talk, I have to leave now for some urgent work…

 Despite being conscious of this malady, I am equally guilty of being a part of it. Many times, I have cut short my parents when they wanted to speak longer by saying, “I don’t have time now, can we speak later?” or interrupted my daughter with a “please finish in five sentences, not more than that.”

Our busyness, the glorification of busyness and the advent and the prolific use of smartphones has pushed people not to interact, avoid talking, and not have face-to-face conversations. Yes, we are communicating, but only in official meetings, texts and emails, and social media. When we share ideas, feelings, and emotions these days, it is usually shared over our phones. Sadly, we’ve gotten used to being connected all the time, but we have stopped having conversations.

We talk about climate change, politics, the democracy crisis, inflation and what not! We even prepare our ‘talking points’ as speakers and panellists in seminars, webinars, panels and workshops, but hardly make an effort to talk among ourselves.

Agree, these are important issues with which we need to engage as invested and conscientious people, but what about our day-to-day struggles, the little and big challenges and joys of our lives? What about our need to share, and deal with our own loneliness and the innate need to connect personally and socially and not just on social media?

Gone are the days when we used to talk and laugh for hours sitting with friends and cousins. When was the last time you had a long talk with that old friend or that favourite cousin of yours? But we readily express our views on social media on matters, some of which honestly, does not even affect our lives. Some even share their innermost and deepest personal emotions on social media.

We have friends on social media who exist only virtually. I often hear people saying, ‘s/he is my Facebook friends’, ‘we follow each other on Instagram’, ‘I know her through her tweets.’ And the novelty of ‘connection’ through WhatsApp groups is surely on the wane and they have been relegated to common notice boards.

We have not only stopped talking among our families, friends and colleagues but also with people in general who are part of our everyday lives. Our relationship with all those people who make our life easier and comfortable – from domestic helps, security guards, to shop assistants, salespeople and office ancillary staff – have undergone tremendous change. We no longer stop to speak to them for a few minutes, ask about their well-being or appreciate what they do for us.

And talking to people we encounter during our day? Our neighbours, those co-passengers in buses, trains and flights, people on the streets and queues, well, it has almost disappeared among the younger generations.

We now prefer keeping up with family and friends through Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and other social media channels and think we know what’s happening in their lives. For many, video calling, Facetiming and zoom calls have become preferred ways of connecting rather than face-to-face conversations. Quite often, these ways of communicating lessen the need to speak to another human being. Hence, people no longer feel the need to talk with others around them and simply engage with the screen.

People constantly used their phones in social gatherings even when it affects their conversations with others. Others simply do not bother. Zillenials, Gen Alphas remain physically with a particular group of friends while staying connected virtually to others and also do not hesitate to speak to another person over the phone – all at the same time.

What has happened to face-to-face conversation in a world where so many say that we would rather text than talk, look at their phones rather than say ‘hello?’ What happened to deeper conversations? In fact, conversations and chats these days, whenever it happens, are light, fluffy and superficial so that people can drop in and drop out at their own preference and will. Private and public spaces are now filled with people wearing headphones, silently tapping away or scrolling.

The lack of conversations and the absence of talking is perhaps one of the reasons for the decline in empathy and intimacy among us. Face-to-face conversations allow us to be fully present, open and vulnerable, it is where we learn to make eye contact, become aware of another person’s physical presence, postures, gestures, and tone and read people better. The old conversation taught us compassion, warmth and to understand each other less without feeling threatened. We don’t allow these conversations to happen anymore.

“Face-to-face conversation is the most human – and humanising – thing we do,” says psychologist Sherry Turkle in her book Reclaiming Conversation. “Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”

No one could have said it better than writer and artist, Gary Turk.

So look up from your phone, shut down the display

Take in your surroundings, make the most of today

Just one real connection is all it can take

To show you the difference that being there can make

So, call up that favourite cousin of yours with whom you have myriad shared memories, the best friend in school whom you miss and perhaps also your uncle who has just retired. And don’t forget to say hello to your neighbour on the lift and also to the security guard at the apartment gate. We all deserve a chance to really connect and share.