When a distant cousin and his wife recently separated, the estranged wife expressed her reluctance to take their two children with her. When the cousin decided to keep the children with him, she readily agreed. His parents have now shifted to be with him to take care of the children, while his wife visits them occasionally. Needless to say, the lady in question is being bashed about in the family, not just as an unfeeling and cruel mother, but as a ruthless and ambitious woman as well.
Understandably so, for a society that gloats over virtuous motherhood and self-sacrificing, perennially compromising mothers, conditioned to the notion that they are inseparable from their children except in extraordinary circumstances. While children of estranged parents staying with their mother is nothing new, the opposite casts a blot on all such mothers who opt out of such a situation, even when the father has an equal responsibility as a parent.
The idealisation of motherhood in our culture and society is omnipresent. We have an ideal image of a woman as the ‘good’ or a ‘righteous’ mother beginning from the natural desire to bear children, nurturing and raising them responsibly, sacrificing her own hopes and dreams for her children’s needs, comforts and aspirations, and always bound to them. The ideal Indian mother depicted in scriptural texts, popular myths, media, and educational books is self-sacrificing, pure, nurturing, ever-present and selflessly devoted to her offspring.
A ‘good’ mother cannot, and should not do any ‘wrong’ in the eyes of the society. It’s a very heavy burden which millions of women bear most of their lives. It is rewarding no doubt but comes with its own price. Mothers who do not abide to these standards are ‘bad’ mothers, selfish and aberrations, and condemned for scarring their children and leading them astray.
Even now, our society cannot conceive of womanhood independent of motherhood. So much so that womanhood is considered synonymous with motherhood, a notion which is duly practised, promoted and celebrated in popular culture. Girls are conditioned into believing that getting married and becoming mothers is a natural trajectory, and hence inevitable.
A woman who consciously and actively rejects the idea of not being a mother is looked down upon, and is alienated. In fact, for a married, heterosexual, fertile Indian woman choosing to remain childless in our society is unthinkable, stemming from the notion that all women as naturally maternal, nurturing, and aspiring to be mothers. And those women who are unable to bear children are stigmatised, devalued and labelled as barren.
Women hardly have a choice on whether they want to embrace motherhood, a practice which is tied to the deep-rooted notions of family and progeny. Few realize that as there is no single way to be a woman, there is no one way of being a mother too. There are Mothers and there are Other Mothers. Women who give birth biologically, who resort to Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ARTs), who become surrogate mothers and who adopt. And also there are single mothers, unwed mothers and queer mothers.
Israeli sociologist Orna Donath’s Study and Book ‘Regretting Motherhood, published in 2015, notes that, “Expanding the vocabulary of motherhood helps all women. We need to make it easier for mothers to be mothers but to also rethink the policies of reproduction and the very obligation to become mothers at all.”
The study radically questions the joy of having children in a society that expects everything from mothers, and where the mothers demand everything of themselves.
Even after years of development and social progress, motherhood has become even harder. The doubts, guilt, insecurities and struggles faced by mothers rarely find place in the common narrative. Mothers who are outliers are castigated not just by their families and society but are also subjected to their own inner turmoil and guilt.
In her book ‘Motherhood and Choice Uncommon Mothers, Childfree Women,’ author Amrita Nandy writes that women have little or no choice with regard to motherhood. She talks about the “maternal outliers,” who through their actions have disrupted the established narrative of motherhood and escaped “mater-normativity,” a term coined by her to describe “a body of norms that assume, expect and oblige females to be mothers, both by self-regulation and collective practice.”
Nandy raises some critical questions on her treatise on motherhood: “If autonomy is critical for humans, why do women have little or no choice vis-à-vis motherhood? Do women know they have a choice? If they do, how ‘free’ are these choices in a context?”
The idea of hegemonic motherhood — the ever-present role of women as mothers in the family – is driven by patriarchal notions and patrilineal succession. A woman’s worth is often measured in terms of whether or not she is a ‘good’ mother. All dominant and popular discourses on motherhood revolve around the idealised, self-sacrificing mother, who places her children’s interests above everyone and anything else.
And we assume such idealised notions of motherhood as instinctive, welcoming or accessible to all mothers. In a country like India, where marriage is near universal, so is ideal motherhood, a concept that fortifies the structures of the patriarchal order. Unfortunately, women and mothers tend to internalise this and toil to become ‘good’ mothers.
Mothering and motherhood, though feted, often suffers from social and political neglect and economic devaluation. And from our personal experience we all know motherhood is certainly not all the glorifying, fulfilling, blissful things it is made out to be. Sometimes, it is dark, messy, complex and demanding.
Starting from pregnancy and the changes it creates in a women’s body and child birth, to child rearing and the unending responsibilities and toil of being a mother – motherhood is a mixed bag. “Motherhood has not been a fully pleasant experience for me. I had a complicated pregnancy where both my life and my baby’s life were at risk. I was sick but had to take care of my baby. It was a struggle and I also suffered from post-partum depression. But I could not share my feelings with anyone,” shares a friend. I know of women who lock themselves in the bathroom just to get some respite from their children clamouring for their time and attention.
Too often the inevitable downsides of motherhood are silenced and mothers are counselled to be tolerant, patient, cheerful, composed and resilient. Mothers who struggle, fail or give up are either overcome with remorse and guilt or subject to intense criticism. “As a working mother of two young children I feel as if I am failing every single day. I feel conflicted at every step,” says a colleague of mine.
Mothers go through so much. From not being able to bear children to having too many children, from miscarriages and fertility treatments to difficulties in breastfeeding and postnatal depression. They are often judged and always at the receiving end of not being good enough. The dilemmas are never-ending too – natural birth vs caesarean birth, breastfeeding vs bottle feeding, washable nappies vs diapers, homemade food vs ready-made baby food, full-time work or stay at home… etc. Modern mothers often find themselves in the dock, juggling motherhood with a job and sometimes a career.
They are lonely, overworked and exhausted. Few people acknowledge and identify the extreme to which motherhood changes your sense of self and identity. Mothers without means, resources and support find it even harder. But any complaints from mothers are met with disapproval or as signs of bad or inadequate motherhood.
“Motherhood is one of our modern, enlightened society’s awkward little secrets,” writes Eliane Glaser in her book, Motherhood: A Manifesto. “Here we are with more than 100 years of feminism under our belts, including 50 years of second-wave feminism, during which many consciousness-raising hours were spent unpicking domestic enslavement. Yet mothers are still underpaid, overworked, exploited, overlooked, frazzled, isolated and perpetually guilty.” In this searing and important book, Glaser questions why mothers are idealised, yet treated so poorly; why campaigns for mothers have become so unfashionable; and what we need to do to shift the needle and improve the business of child-rearing for everyone.
Parenthood is yet to take over Motherhood and the social construct of fatherhood continues to be different from that of motherhood. As it is, the biological clock is always ticking urgently and loudly for women while it stretches endlessly for men. Ideal motherhood implies that the life of every mother, but not father, should revolve around the child. And as far as the welfare and upbringing of a child is concerned, the buck still stops at the mother. It is rare for fathers to go through the emotional, mental and physical toil that mothers experience.
Interestingly, motherhood and feminism have always had a complex relationship. In The Second Sex, feminist activist and writer Simone de Beauvoir notes that mothers who try to be good all the time “give up all pleasure, all personal life, enabling them to assume the role of victim.” While some feminists view that women would never truly be free of patriarchy until they were freed from the burden of reproduction, others opine that mothering, as a voluntary and socially constituted activity can be taken up by anyone, regardless of their gender identity.
Feminist writer Andrea O’Reilly in her book Matricentric Feminism, argues that the social, economic, political, cultural, psychological problems that mothers face are specific to women’s role and identity as mothers. Mothers are oppressed under patriarchy as women and as mothers. So, mothers need a feminism of their own, one that places mothers’ concerns and their empowerment at the forefront.
Motherhood is complex and gruelling. Also, we should not forget that mothering is particular to each woman and is shaped by her specific context and opportunities and that there is no singular or ideal way for a mother to love her child. Besides, the ideas and expectation around mothering impacts all women. Hence, we need more open and honest conversations around the diversity and challenges of motherhood experiences.
Orna Donath asks that we pay attention to what is forbidden by our contemporary rules governing motherhood, time, and emotion, including the cultural assumption that motherhood is a “natural” role for women—for the sake of all women, not just those who regret becoming mothers. Importantly, mothering by men through greater participation and involvement in raising children is imperative to reduce the heavy burden of being ‘good’ mothers on women.
Our idealisation of ‘good’ mothers and motherhood is certainly not the same as empowering them or giving them a voice and agency. Rather, the notion that children’s well-being depends on their mothers and not on their fathers, family and the environment creates unending barriers and social expectations for women.
The conversation around motherhood is beginning to shift, albeit gradually. Women, including female personalities are now sharing publicly about their motherhood struggles and some about their decisions to remain child-free. We are also beginning to see different versions of family slowly altering the definition of a heteronormative family where all women are mothers by default. Meanwhile, let mothers decide who they are and who they want to be.
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