Whenever I attend workshops and seminars on gender equality, a common refrain expressed by participants and media persons is why blame patriarchy for gender inequality when in fact, women are women’s worst enemy! From there follows examples of how the mother-in-law always tortures her daughter-in-law and the way lady supervisors and bosses harass their female subordinates and how women have affairs with married men and destroy the homes of other married women. I have lost count of the number of times I have heard this.
It’s both surprising and enraging the way the narrative has hardly shifted over the years. And those ranting such opinions are both men and women, including some who have been associated with the implementation of gender equality programmes or officials dealing with gender-related issues.
Agree, all may not be well with women’s camaraderie or sisterhood. Many women do get mercilessly judged by other women. Several times, women are the perpetrators of physical, mental and emotional violence, harassment and torture towards other women, including those from their own families. We have seen it around us and have also been bombarded with such images and scenes from television soap operas and commercial cinemas as well.
Nevertheless, it is preposterous to believe that women treat other viciously like the way we see it in Hindi daily soaps or popular cinema. Moreover, men also commit a lot of atrocities against other men, but do we ever say that men are men’s worst enemies? Like all human behaviours and social practices, this is a complicated practice and surely needs to be delved deeper beyond the surface.
Women have been impacted by patriarchy and the internalisation of patriarchal ideas at every stage of their lives, so much so that they are unaware of their thoughts and their conditioning. While men are busy earning money, handling important matters and taking important decisions, women are left to manage the household stuff, the kitchen, care and responsibilities of children, the elderly and other family members. They are made to feel important and deal with minor internal squabbles that do not need the interference of men.
So in families, mothers, mothers-in-law, and grandmothers continue to reinforce the patriarchal social norms among their daughters and daughters-in-law subconsciously. They grow up with it, justify and perpetrate it.
Here, it’s important to understand the concept of ‘patriarchal bargain’ coined by Turkish author and researcher Deniz Kandijyoti. It explains the reasons and the way women turn oppressors against other women, while being simultaneously oppressed within patriarchy. She defines patriarchal bargain as “The tactics women use to gain a greater degree of safety and sanctuary along with a limited sense of autonomy within the sex-based oppressive structure of patriarchy”.
So, when women do act against the interests of other women, it’s critical to consider this through the lens of a patriarchal bargain where the symbolic oppressor is a woman, who has internalised societal norms to such a level that she is unable to comprehend that the wrongs committed against her and the suffering are the same ones that she is inflicting on other women. That explains why a mother-in-law who was tortured as a young wife may inflict the same on her daughter-in-law. Again, this is not the rule but it does explain the conditioning and the socialisation of women in a traditional patriarchal household.
A girl is given away in marriage by a male head of the family to another family’s male head and typically, a girl enters her husband’s household under unfamiliar and sometimes unfavourable and hostile conditions. A young bride’s opinion is not considered important and they usually have secondary status in a family compared to all the men and other senior women like mother and sister-in-law.
In this hierarchical family structure dictated by patrilineal and patriarchal customs, a young wife may slowly work towards establishing her position and consolidating her status. Thus, with otherwise little power given in the family, women try to establish their somewhat fragile status within patriarchy. From the desire to produce male heirs to becoming domineering to other women and displaying the same control and authority towards their daughters-in-law – these practices continue through the internalisation of patriarchy by the women.
Mothers placing their sons above daughters despite suffering discrimination themselves and treating men with deference are among other countless examples. They are culturally and socially conditioned to believe that men are more powerful and vested with economic power and that it’s in their interest to keep them on their side. So women try to outcompete or turn against each other to get the attention of the men in the house or to gain and secure property and finance for themselves and their children. And given women’s tenuous position, they rationalise it to retain whatever little authority and control they have.
Very often, women are judged for not being good mothers or mothers-in-law, which also explains other contradictory actions by women. Mothers and other female members restricting their daughters much more than fathers or reprimanding them for not adhering to gender norms are largely due to the fact that such transgressions reflect badly on their mothering for which they will be severely reprimanded by the family and society.
Mothers are chastised if daughters are not trained in cooking, and household chores, even when they excel in other aspects like academics, sports, arts etc. Mothers-in-law are considered strict, authoritative and controlling figures to who they must adhere. Consequently, the moral policing of daughters by mothers and the pressure to adhere to all such gender norms is also part of this patriarchal bargain.
The ‘women are women’s worst enemy’ narrative is not confined to families and homes only. It is also believed to be true in other areas too. Women sometimes judge and shame other women for not adhering to patriarchal gender norms. Married women are judged by other women for not wearing sindoor or Mangalsutra. Women also tend to judge and look down upon other women who wear sexy clothes, smoke, drink, date and divorce. Or lead a different life than what is usually prescribed.
In her book titled “The Power of Perception,” Dr Shawn Andrews writes about how women leaders in professional settings display male-specific emotional intelligence where they feel the need to be confident and assertive but not empathetic. Women leaders at workplaces are made to believe that they have to be aggressive, ruthless and uncompromising to project a strong image and not as the ‘weaker sex.’
Of course, being ambitious and aspirational is a trait both women and men can display and it’s preposterous blaming women for being so. Rather, women across the world have been making conscious efforts to hire and mentor more women, giving them opportunities, providing flexible working conditions etc.
Ironically, the narrative of women are women’s worst enemy is also largely initiated by men. But unfortunately, it is internalised and perpetuated by women. And fingers are pointed at women for pulling down other women, not supporting them and harassing them. With education, knowledge, exposure and agency women have begun to realise that the enemy is no other women, but patriarchy and the rules and norms set by men.
The first step to change this age-old narrative is to be aware of our biases formed and fuelled by patriarchy, change our attitude and consciously lift other women within our homes, workplaces and society. So, next time, someone begins this argument, shut them off.
