Once upon a time, there was a suitable boy. He was well-educated, well-groomed, liberal in his beliefs about girls and financially secure. He wanted to get married and left, like most obedient boys do, the decision of choosing the girl to his conservative parents. Ten years on, he is still a bachelor, now in doubt whether he would get married at all.
His parents belong to an urban township with roots in the village. Mentally, they reside in both. While they have shifted to the city and made it their home, their values and worldview belong to the village. Both were in decent jobs till they retired. They have social status and money is not a problem. Their only child needed a good wife, and they would spare no effort to find one.
However, there’s a catch, actually many. They have conditions that the girl must meet to qualify for marriage. Among these she must belong to the same caste and horoscopes must match. She must be well-educated and well-mannered, and she may or may not be in a job. Of course, her family should be equal in status and social standing. So far so good. These are standard expectations in our society. But there’s more.
Here we go:
*** She must not belong to a remote village. (It would be difficult for the son to travel there).
*** She must not have more than one younger sibling. (A big family means a burden on the boy).
*** She has to quit job or shift location to be with the boy. (He needs someone to cook food, take care of home and make him comfortable).
*** If the couple is in the same location as the parents they have to stay under one roof.
*** Her parents must not interfere in the domestic matters of the couple.
*** Entertaining friends or colleagues, particularly males, is a no no. Partying out, of course, is not allowed.
*** She has to be home to take care of them when required. The job is dispensable not attention to them.
*** While at home she must follow family traditions, including in matters of food and what she wears.
*** She has to cook, work and perform rituals of the family deity like the mother-in-law did.
No wonder the boy, entering his 40s, is yet to get married. He is not on the same page as his parents on most of these conditions. He wants space for his own family, and minimal interference from parents on both sides in it. He expects the wife to be smart enough to mingle in his social circle. He would like to give her freedom in matters of food and clothing, and decision-making. He is okay with her inviting colleagues home for dinner occasionally. But he insists both should stay together. She can find a new job or seek transfer to his place of location. While working in Bangalore and Mumbai, he has been exposed to a lifestyle different from their parent generation. He knows it would be difficult to go back to theirs.
But he cannot say it to the face of his parents. If he were in love, he could have insisted that they accept the girl. Since it is going to be arranged, they have a role to play. Since they have a role, their expectations matter. However, it’s difficult to convince them that the girl and family also have expectations; it’s not like the old times. It’s an equal equation between the boy’s family and the girl’s family these days and they won’t let their daughter have an unsatisfying life. They can afford to say no.
The idea of arrange marriage is getting obsolete, and there are reasons why. One cannot throw two strangers together and expect them to live happily ever after. And it involves not only them but families too. When families come into the picture, the dynamics get complicated.
Our suitable boy may end up never finding the right match.
(By Arrangements With Perspective Bytes)