It is not uncommon to see groups of ladies sitting in parties discussing how they’ve set up a winning gameplan for their school going children in the form of setting strict routines for their all-round development. Mrs M, often the envy of most mothers for being the most informed regarding how to perfectly plan her child’s routine, is handsomely rewarded by her son who year after year never fails to top his class. To top it, he scores the highest marks in all the 3 sections of his class. Indeed, an incredible achievement, Mr and Mrs M are rightly considered to be blessed by the almighty.
Few decades ago, when I was a kid, academic achievement was mostly considered an inherited trait, a belief that was strengthened by my study of Psychology in later years. It is believed by a German psychologists like Stern (1912), and later by Binet, a French Psychologist, that IQ or, Intelligence quotient, largely determines academic success. Further, psychologists claimed that the IQ of an individual is determined by a complex interplay of heredity and environment, with nature setting the range, while nurture determines where within that range an individual falls. Such findings in no way contribute to the parental expectation and aspiration that their child can be made to come first or is capable of competing with a child with a higher IQ.
Of late, children are forced into a cut throat, competitive world wherein, irrespective of their ability, their performance can be influenced by crafty parenting, managing the most reputed “tuition teachers” to coach their child, often including the giving of special slots to the child beyond group tuitions. The matter doesn’t end here. Lest it is considered one track parenting, the child should be engaged in some sporting activity like basketball, tennis and the like, and rightly so. Every child must be given a chance to pursue some artistic pursuits like singing, or a go at some instruments to unfurl his musical aptitudes. After all, even Einstein played violin to relax. The result is, the child is burdened and stifled with a routine that gives him no space.
I have mothered two children, have taken keen interest in my children’s schooling and education, but have found myself ill at ease while sitting with mothers discussing their strategies regarding their children. I have felt a little uncomfortable with mothers sharing their child’s percentage, with a decrease in .5 percent from previous exam or from a class competitor considered as a major catastrophe. I have, since childhood, been a good student and have participated in many extra-curricular activities with varying degrees of acclaim. I have learnt to believe that each child is different and uniquely gifted with a few special qualities. Further, while the role of parents is necessary for the child to get inducted to the basics of school curriculum, it is ultimately the child’s inner calling as he grows up to devote whatever time and focus to academics.
I am of the opinion that while parental guidance and a conducive environment is necessary for a child’s potential to flourish, it does more harm than good to constantly monitor a child’s daily routine as if heavens will fall if he doesn’t turn up for a couple of maths tuition classes.
A regimented routine for children of school going age has become the order of the day since the last 2-3 decades with increasing competition, globalisation, growth of branded, private schools, which fuel parents to “create” a trophy child, to be boasted of in social circles. While it is parents’ dream to have a gifted child who pursues higher education with distinction, has any one ever thought how it affects most children, gifted or otherwise to live up to such an unrealistic yardstick day after day, year after year? It is hard to believe that all children can come first, and even if one does, he is bound to falter, notwithstanding the parents winning strategy, and neither is it desirable. Every child ultimately is capable of finding a means of livelihood suited to his capabilities and as parents we know that only a few people make it to the top because of their ability. On the contrary, their high achievement could have been at the cost of complete negligence of acquiring other skills and values that help them to lead a happy and successful life.
My suggestion to mothers is not to be obsessed with their children’s achievements. Talk of things other than their children’s course books and tuition teachers, to give themselves and their children space. Indulging in such mindless one-upmanship has had a toxic impact on society with other parents waiting for them to falter. Moreover, the less privileged parents with less conventionally intelligent children put unwarranted pressure on their wards, who are struggling to start with. This is leading to widespread mental health issues with both the performers and non-performers, each living in their own hell. This is not to say that parents should leave their children to unravel themselves from a tender age without any guidance. Parents need to regulate and supervise their children, their school performance, teach them important life skills, values systems, and help them in developing personality traits that will see them through thick and thin in life.
No matter how much parents try, they cannot control their children’s lives, their ups and downs, their life trajectory, just as they haven’t been able to do theirs.
(The writer is formerly principal of BJB Autonomous College, Bhubaneswar. The views are personal)
